Cynical Rules of Life

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some day you are like the pigeon and some days the statue.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress, I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the arse.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
People who go to conferences are the one's who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

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